Daniel Pink is one of America’s most successful writers, rivaling Malcolm Gladwell and Michael Lewis. I haven’t read all his books, but I have read Free Agent Nation, Drive, To Sell is Human and When. Every one of those I’ve read has been excellent and he continues his string of hits with his latest offering, The Power of Regret.
Many people claim they have no regrets. Often, they even get a tattoo to proclaim they have no regrets. The point of the first chapter of the book is, if you have no regrets, you’re a moron. In fact, regret makes us human. Regret makes us better. Or, regret can make us better, which is the point of the book.
Regret is, “The unpleasant feeling associated with some action or inaction a person has taken which has led to a state of affairs that is created by a comparison between the actual outcome and the outcome that would have occurred had the decision maker made a different choice.”
Three benefits of regret:
- Improve decisions. Leaning into regret improves our decision making.
- Boost performance. Regret can deepen persistence, which almost always elevates performance.
- Deepen meaning. Regret can help us find greater meaning in what we’ve done with our lives. It can also help us change decisions we make in the future.
The most common regrets are related to family, partners, education, career, finance, health and friends. But these categories are too superficial. Another way to classify regrets is within four core areas:
- Foundation regrets. Our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent.
- Boldness regrets. We didn’t take the opportunities we were given.
- Moral regrets. We succumbed to a morally dubious decision.
- Connection regrets. Our actions give our lives direction, but other people give those lives purposes. Fractured or unrealized relationships are the source of these regrets.
Foundation Regrets include taking better care of our health when young, starting to save when young, working harder in school. Boldness Regrets include not pursuing a romance, not speaking out, being too shy, not starting a business. Moral Regrets include infidelity, deceit, theft, betrayal and sacrilege. Connection Regrets include not maintaining friendships or connections with family members.
What do we do with our regrets? If regrets make us human, how do we enlist them to make us better?
Regrets can be disclosed, reframed, and a lesson can be extracted.
Step 1. Self-disclosure: Relive and relieve. Self-disclosure is much healthier than denying a regret. Instead, relive and relieve allows us to reduce some of the burden and clear a path for making sense of it.
Step 2. Self-compassion: Normalize and neutralize. Once you’ve disclosed the regret, you can dress yourself down or pump yourself up. Neither is the best way. Self-compassion is better. Treat yourself as you would your best friend.
Step 3. Self-distancing: Analyze and strategize. Think or speak of yourself in third person. This allows you to be more objective and dispassionate. Time is another way to distance yourself from regret.
The book is a joy; easy to read and full of insights and help. It will make you a better person. I think you’ll like it.
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